


Three Ruined Dates and One Date That Wasn't A Total Disaster

by speccygeekgrrl



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: (hint: almost all of them), Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Dates, F/M, Fluff and Angst, How many dates can other people ruin?, Murphy's Law, Nothing is easy for Max
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-08 04:59:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13451061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speccygeekgrrl/pseuds/speccygeekgrrl
Summary: Is it possible for the second banana of Moon 13 and the unofficial Moon therapist to have just one date go off without a hitch? It doesn't look like that is, in fact, possible, but that's not going to stop them from making attempts.





	1. Date 1: The Biscotti Brouhaha

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [At the Christmas Party Hop](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13025532) by [speccygeekgrrl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/speccygeekgrrl/pseuds/speccygeekgrrl). 



> I couldn't resist continuing this little arc. I'm having too much fun with it. Other people's Boneheads will be making guest appearances; this chapter has Ed, who belongs to the_technicolor_whiscash.
> 
> Can Max ever have anything good without something going wrong? Well, what would be the fun in that?

Gabby hadn't been sure what the fallout of the Christmas party was going to be, as far as her personal life went. Sure, once she and Max had started smooching the rest of the night passed in a bit of a blur, to the point where she wasn't exactly sure how many kisses they'd shared, but one night wasn't going to change everything, was it?

Two days later, Max stopped her in the corridor about an hour before the experiment was due to start. "Do you... maybe want to have a cup of coffee with me after the containment ceremony is over today?" 

"That sounds nice," she said, trying not to look as surprised as she felt. "I heard a rumor that Ed's making biscotti today."

"I heard that rumor too," Max said, smiling. "I thought that helping him taste-test might be fun."

"I'd love to." 

"Great! We can get out of there after you deliver the report and go enter biscotti nirvana." He reached for her hand shyly and she laced their fingers together, wishing she weren't wearing gloves. "I'd like to spend more time with you."

"I'd like that too." She glanced up and down the corridor, then reached up to pull her helmet off. His eyes widened-- they weren't allowed to do that on-duty-- and then widened even more when she leaned in and pecked his cheek before hastily replacing it. "I'll see you later." 

Later meant nearly three hours later, when Gabby stood off on the sidelines until Max pushed the button and the show ended. Kinga sighed and held out a hand for the tablet bearing Gabby's report.

"Giving Jonah an extended vacation was a bad idea, wasn't it," she said, and Gabby shrugged.

"The madness quotient was at the comedic sweet spot, in my opinion. He's less funny when it's really driving him crazy, but this was pretty on point for wacky but not bananas. I think it's got classic episode written all over it."

"You really think so?" Kinga glanced up, brows arched, and Gabby offered her a smile.

"I think giving him a break was a great idea."

"Huh... I'll remember you said this when the episode reviews get posted," Kinga said. "I hope you're right." She took the tablet and walked off still scrolling through the report. Gabby glanced over at Max and her smile widened.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"You look good in white."

"You really think so?" He turned pink immediately. 

"Yeah, it sets your hair off. It's flattering." He took off his goggles and ran a hand through his hair a little self-consciously, then smiled back at her. 

"Thanks." He offered her his hand. "Biscotti time?"

"Yes please." Now they were both wearing gloves. She wanted to just hold his hand, even if she knew she'd have nervously sweaty palms skin to skin. 

When they got to the kitchen, Ed handed them four kinds of biscotti, each one cut in half, and a comment card for specific feedback. The coffee was always fresh when Ed went on a flavor binge bake session, and they settled down at one of the empty cafeteria tables with their treats. Gabby took off her helmet, set it on the floor, and rolled her neck until it made a popping sound.

"That sounded satisfying," Max said, and she laughed.

"Taking that thing off is a high point of my day."

"I can only imagine." She pulled her gloves off and left them on the table, and he followed suit. She reached out to run her fingertips over the back of his hand, then picked up her coffee cup with both hands and held it to her lips without sipping it. Her cheeks went lilac. "You blush purple," Max said, sounding surprised.

"You know we have purple blood."

"Yes, but I don't think I've seen a Bonehead blush in decent lighting. It's cute, you look like a flower." That made her blush more, and he smiled and looked down at the biscotti in front of them. "What do you think looks like the best one?"

"Um..." She put her coffee down and studied the cookies for a moment. "I think the pistachio and cranberry looks really good, but the salted caramel looks really good too."

"They all look really good," Max said, but he was looking at her and not the biscotti when he said it. She reached for the traditional flavored biscotti first and he took the other half. "Don't forget, he wants detailed opinions."

"As if I could forget," she laughed, and nibbled at it with a thoughtful expression that swiftly turned into a wrinkled nose, which looked terribly cute with her Bonehead facial markings. "Oh, I'm the wrong person to ask about this one, I don't like anise at all."

"I love anise," he said. "But this is pretty heavy on it. I think it's supposed to be more balanced between anise and almond." He scrawled a note on the comment card while she took a long sip of coffee to clear the licorice taste out of her mouth. The next one they tried was chocolate cherry, which was much more to her taste and nearly as much to his. "I think the chocolate might need to be a little darker on this one."

"Tastes like semisweet," she said.

"Yeah, I think it needs to be at least 70% to complement the cherry better." He wrote that down on the comment card too, and she propped her head on one hand and smiled at him.

"You know, I'm so glad you realized I meant I like you."

"The clues were subtle but present," he said, glancing up at her when he set the pen down. 

"I wasn't sure I wanted you to figure it out at first. I wasn't sure it would make a difference."

"Why wouldn't it?"

"I'm not Kinga... I'm not even the same species as Kinga. I wasn't sure I'd be important enough to matter compared to your feelings for her." Max's jaw dropped, and he reached up to take her shoulders between his hands. 

"You do matter," he said intently. "You matter a lot." Her eyes widened, and she leaned closer to him.

"I need to hear that sometimes," she admitted.

"Well, you've told me the same thing how many times? Insecurity isn't a purely human emotion. You always just seem so sure of yourself."

"I'm so much more neurotic than I let on." 

"You do a much better job of keeping it under wraps than I do," he said dryly, and she smiled at him. 

"No one would trust me with their problems if I went on about mine. And I like that people think I have my shit together."

"If you don't, you fake it really well." She started to respond, then coughed and looked around a moment before Ed sprinted into the cafeteria holding a fire extinguisher. 

"If everyone could evacuate the cafeteria... _now_!" Smoke was pouring out of the swinging doors between kitchen and cafeteria, and Max and Gabby shared a horrified look and went toward rather than away from the disaster while the other folks who'd been eating did as they'd been told.

"Can we help?" she asked, and Ed shook his head.

"It's-- ah-- almost under control," he said. 

"So you _need_ help," Max interpreted, and Ed rolled his eyes and ran back into the kitchen. Gabby sighed and pushed the door open, letting another billow of scorched-biscotti smoke into the cafeteria as they went in to see what needed to be done.

By the time the (small but very smoky) fire had been put out and the air filtration in the kitchen had been set to scrub, Max's white uniform was stained with smoke and soot, and her natural Bonehead markings weren't the only black smudges on Gabby's face. 

"I have to write an incident report about this," Max sighed, and Ed crossed his arms.

"How big a bribe do I need to make to get you to skip doing that?"

"I can't skip it, it's required for the requisition of replacement extinguishers and--"

"Don't worry about it," Gabby said, putting her hand on Max's arm and smiling at Ed. "No one got hurt, nothing even got really damaged. Just send some of those biscotti to Kinga and she'll barely blink when she reads the report. If she even reads it."

"I can do that," Ed said. "So... what did you think of them?"

"We left the comment card on the table," Max said. "I'm sorry-- I'm really sorry," he said, turning to Gabby, "but I'm supposed to write up the report right after the incident and--"

"I know the protocol," she said. "Go on. I'll see you later."

"You don't mind?"

"We'll just have to get together some other time." He reached up to rub a smudge of soot off her cheek and she tilted her head into his touch. "Maybe later this week?"

"Yeah, for sure." He glanced at Ed, hesitated a second, and then left. Ed fixed Gabby with a very questioning look.

"What's all _that_ about?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You and Max, what's going on there?"

"I'm honestly not entirely sure," she said. Ed's skeptical look intensified. "What, now I can't have cookies with a friend? Am I on probation? Do I need a permission slip from Kinga to hang out with him?"

"You're awfully defensive about this," Ed pointed out. Gabby's cheeks turned suddenly and brightly orchid and she walked away without another word to collect her helmet from where she'd been sitting and make her escape. "Interesting," Ed said to himself. There wasn't usually much gossip to be had about Gabby. This would be some prime conversational currency.


	2. Date 2: The Meditation Altercation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabby's first yoga class on the Moon doesn't exactly go as planned. It's not the only thing she's losing control of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More of other people's Boneheads! Ray, Amanda, Stan, and Jack belong to Smitshappens, Cal belongs to Feenie, Sandwich belongs to TwoDayShipping.
> 
> I like it when things are easy to write. And this is very easy to write.

Gabby was very tapped into the gossip economy of Moon 13. Everyone knew that she hoarded gossip without repeating it, but no one held it against her because she had at least a little dirt on almost everyone and had never used it as a weapon against any of them, and always tried to help when she knew someone needed help. Most of the Boneheads liked her and they all respected her.

Which, of course, wasn't to say that they wouldn't talk about her behind her back. By the time Gabby overheard her name and Max's linked in someone else's mouth, Ed's news had made the rounds from the dino pens up to the lunar jockeys and every level in between. It had been four days since their unsuccessful first date, and apparently the only person on the Moon who hadn't heard about it was Kinga.

"They're talking about us," she told him the next time their paths crossed. She'd decided to start a yoga and meditation class in the new year to help manage stress levels among the Boneheads, and he was the first one to show up to the big empty room where she was running the first session.

"I know," he said. "They talk about me a lot but this is the first time I've heard anyone repeating anything juicy about you." She was waiting to see if the class would go well before ordering yoga mats; he took a blanket off the stack she'd carried in and spread it out to make do for one, then sat down on it to take his shoes off. She tried not to stare at him. This was the first time she'd seen him in workout clothes and she just really wanted to squeeze him and not let go. "Does it make you uncomfortable?"

"The fact that they're talking about me makes me uncomfortable, but the content of the gossip doesn't," she said, cross-legged on her own makeshift mat. "If that makes sense."

"Some of them are saying that you're in love with me," he said, like it was a joke, and she smirked at him.

"That's nicer than what I've heard in the other direction."

"Oh?"

"I heard someone suggest that you're settling for the only redhead on the Moon who'll give you the time of day." He winced.

"That's not--"

"You don't have to defend yourself," she said. "I said I heard it, not that I believed it."

"That's generous of you."

"Oh, please, I'm so familiar with the way news gets twisted through the grapevine here. I'm sure I'll hear worse sooner or later." They both looked over when the door opened, and Ray came in, followed by Amanda, Sandwich, and Cal. "Hi guys! Grab a blanket and pick a spot on the floor."

"Hi!" Ray, friendly as ever, unrolled his blanket on Max's far side, still in the front row but not likely to block anyone from seeing Gabby leading the class. "I'm really excited about this. Yoga sounds like fun." Amanda looked from Gabby to Max and back, then smirked and leaned over to whisper something in Sandwich's ear as they grabbed blankets of their own. Gabby tried not to roll her eyes.

"So what exactly are we doing here?" Cal asked.

"Well, I was going to lead us through thirty minutes of easy poses, and then do a fifteen minute meditation at the end," Gabby said. She declined to add that she and Max had plans after the class, but she was looking forward to getting to spend a little one-on-one time with him, hopefully without adding any more grist to the rumor mill. "I'm hoping this will help people manage their stress more productively."

"Good luck," Sandwich muttered, and Gabby pointed at her.

"You'd be less stressed if you watched fewer horror movies," she said. 

"I'd be more bored if I watched fewer horror movies," Sandwich shot back. "And we can't all have your... extracurricular activity schedule," she said, eyes flicking over to Max before focusing on Gabby again. Gabby flushed lilac and lifted her chin defiantly.

"I know, I'm just so busy keeping everyone from losing their minds, I don't have time for schlocky slasher flicks. But hopefully this will help," she said, sarcasm barely reined in. A few more Boneheads filtered in. Max shot her a sympathetic look, and she looked down at her clasped hands in her lap. "We'll get started in a few minutes. Get your blankets set up, take your shoes off, and sit cross-legged or as close as you can get and still be comfortable." She repeated the instructions again when the last couple of people came in, and she was surprised to see Stan and Jack make an appearance. She figured the Moon wrestling federation was a good enough stress-burning activity, but both tall, burly Boneheads set out their blankets at the back of the room.

Altogether, just under twenty people showed up for the first lesson, which was a pretty good number in Gabby's opinion. She didn't divulge that everything she was teaching them had been self-taught from YouTube videos and she wasn't one hundred percent sure how to do all of it correctly, but everyone was game to run through a shaky Sun Salutation once she introduced the poses individually. 

"Two more poses and we're done," she told them all, walking back to the front of the room. "And the second one is super easy. This one can be a little tricky, so it's okay if you don't get the hang of it right away. It's called the tree pose, and it looks like this." She pressed her hands together in front of her heart and lifted one foot, bracing it against her standing leg just above her knee. She held it for a couple of breaths, wobbled a little, and put her foot down, laughing. "I'm not very good at it yet. Give it a shot, we're going to try this one for a couple of minutes to let people stabilize." She gave Max an encouraging smile when he looked worried about it, and he smiled gamely back and picked one foot up cautiously.

She was so preoccupied with Max that she almost didn't see the unfolding disaster, and didn't see it in time to prevent it. Four feet to Max's left, Ray put his foot against his leg, it slipped down to his knee, and he took himself out in a slow topple directly into the second banana on his way to the floor.

Two squawks of pain and seventeen gasps of alarm split the quiet of the room. "Ow, ow, _ow_ ," Ray keened. Max had the wind knocked out of him too thoroughly to make another sound for a while, gingerly trying to disengage himself from Ray's endless limbs and going stock-still when Ray cried out louder.

"Oh jeez... are you okay?" Gabby knelt down next to the heap of people she liked very much, gently helping Max out from under Ray. He flopped flat on his back and struggled to breathe.

"M'fine," Max managed.

"I'm not doing that pose again any time soon," Ray said, voice tight with pain. He reached down to pull up the leg of his sweatpants, and his ankle already looked puffy. "Oh, _ouch_."

"That doesn't look good," Gabby said, one hand gentle on his shin moving down until he winced. "Yeah, I think you need the infirmary, Raygun."

"Wait until Jonah hears about this," he said a little miserably. "Taken out by an intro to yoga class. Not exactly a war wound."

"When a tree falls on the Moon, it definitely makes a sound," Sandwich quipped, and a giggle spread through the room.

"Stan? Jack? Do you think you guys could help Ray to the infirmary?" They were about the only ones who were tall enough to support Ray. She was glad they'd shown up. 

"No problem," Stan said. Jack was already putting his shoes back on. They got him up between them and helped him limp out of the room, and Gabby sat back on her heels and sighed.

"Well, that's going to make it hard to meditate," she said. "I think I'm going to call it here. Did people enjoy the yoga part, at least? Should I keep doing these?"

"I liked it until that last pose," Max said, still breathless from having Ray land mostly on his chest. She put her hand on his wrist but kept looking around the room.

"I think it was fun," Cal said. "I'd do it again."

"Yeah, me too," Amanda chimed in. A ripple of agreement spread through the room, and Gabby smiled.

"Okay. If people like it, we'll keep doing it. Maybe with less risky poses for the next session," she added. "I'll get real yoga mats for next time. If people could just fold up their blankets and stack them, that'd be super helpful." She turned her attention back on Max as everyone started putting their shoes back on. He'd caught his breath but was still bright pink, and she bit her lip, leaning a little closer to murmur, "You blush pink. It's cute. You look like a flower." 

"Shhh," he said, laughing. "People will talk."

"I'm just making sure you're okay," she said mock-innocently. "Nothing bruised or broken?"

"Nothing broken... can't say about bruised. Ray's not exactly a lightweight. But I'm fine." She waited for everyone to filter out, giving the stink-eye to the last few stragglers who were clearly hanging around to see what she was doing with Max, and when they were alone she took his hand in hers.

"Sorry this was a disaster."

"Disaster's a strong word," he said. "I'd call it a minor calamity. Maybe even an altercation. I'm fine, really."

"Really?"

"Really. Promise."

"Are we still on for lunch?" she asked hopefully, and he swallowed.

"Can we make it dinner? I'm honestly a little nauseous from taking two hundred and some-odd pounds of Bonehead right on my digestive system."

"Yeah, of course. No problem." Probably better, actually. Because they'd been intending to go in their workout clothes. This would give her a chance to look a little nicer for him. 

"Too bad about the meditation, though," he sighed. "I could use the stress relief."

"Oh, could you now." She gave him an overblown flirtatious look and he laughed. "It's just something I learned from Youtube. We could... go over it together. Maybe after dinner."

"It's a date," he said, and she could feel the blood rush to her cheeks. "Oh, gosh, you're adorable when you blush. Just the most lovely shade of lilac."

"I've never seen a lilac," she said, and he reached up to touch her cheek gently and smiled at her.

"I'll have to see what I can do about that." 

Neither of them noticed the pair of eyes peering around the edge of the doorway. When they stood up to leave, Sandwich scurried away, full of high quality currency for the gossip economy.


	3. Date 3: The Dinner Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Max and Gabby try to have a real, proper, actual nice date. This goes even less well than things usually go for Max.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel bad for putting them through this, but the story demands it! 
> 
> Cherry belongs to heyhayley.

In retrospect, Gabby thought, looking nice for dinner with Max was the least subtle thing she possibly could have done if she was trying to be serious about keeping this on the down-low. There weren't that many options for dining available to the Boneheads, but Max was important enough on the Moon, relatively speaking, to swing a meal at the Mesozoic Ranch for the two of them. They met just outside the Kingachrome processing plant, figuring that was the least likely place for them to be caught, aside from by Ardy who never participated in the gossip anyways.

"You look beautiful," Max said when he saw her, and he looked stunned enough for her to believe it. She'd bought this dress for the next Bonehead bash, but a date was a much better reason to dress up than a party, she thought. She turned pale purple and ran a hand nervously through her hair. He was in a royal purple button-down shirt that looked really good on him.

"You too. Um, I mean, you look-- handsome. Not beautiful. Unless you like being called beautiful, some guys do. Whatever your preferred compliment is."

"I'll take whatever compliment I'm offered," he said with a smile. "I don't get enough of them to be picky."

"That's a shame, because I think you're really cute." He went slightly pink and she wondered if this whole date was just going to be them making each other blush back and forth. She held out one hand and he took it, fingers very warm where they laced with hers. "I've been looking forward to this all day."

"But we only made these plans at 11:30."

"Yeah, but before that I was looking forward to getting lunch with you. So anticipating spending time with you has been my entire day, except for when we were already together." She gently touched his side, and he blinked at her and smiled a little wider. "Are you okay from Ray falling into you?"

"I'm fine, I'm pretty impact-resistant. I probably won't even bruise." 

"Good. You humans are so fragile in comparison, I wouldn't want you to get hurt."

"Don't worry about it, I get hurt all the time. I can take it."

"Just because you can doesn't mean you should have to," she said, and gave his hand a tug. "Come on, we don't want to miss our reservation." He laughed and let her lead him to the almost entirely empty restaurant. She hesitated for a second when she saw who was standing at the host station. "Mika... you don't work down here," she said suspiciously. "Are you checking up on me?"

"Just making sure my sister gets treated right," Mika said cheerfully, picking up two menus. "Right this way, please." They got settled at the nicest table in the place, and Mika eyed them both carefully, clearly assembling gossip-worthy tidbits already. "Can I get you started with a drink?"

"I heard that Cherry was starting a line of cocktails with her brew," Gabby said. "Is that just for us Boneheads, or has it made its way down here yet?"

"Actually, she's here tonight," Mika said, which just made Gabby more suspicious about how many people knew about their date. "She can come tell you about the specials."

"That'd be wonderful," Max said, and when Mika walked away to get Cherry, he reached across the table and took Gabby's hand, aiming the most adorably lovestruck look at her that she'd ever seen. "I'm glad we finally get to have a nice date."

"I like spending time with you in whatever capacity," she said, not knowing just how dopey her smile at him was. "But I like it better when it's just us." 

"As rare as that is."

"That makes it more special." He pulled her hand up and kissed the back of it, and she turned lavender. "I didn't know you were such a romantic."

"It's not exactly a secret," Max said with a laugh. "Just all my attempts at romance have been... very publicly thwarted before anything could come of them."

"Well, we're not being thwarted now," she pointed out, and he kissed her hand again.

"It's weird not being shot down. The best kind of weird," he amended quickly, and when Cherry came over to their table they let go of each other and looked as innocent as possible.

"I know your tastes already," Cherry said, looking back and forth between them and their telltale blushes. "I can give you the list, or you can trust me to bring you something good..."

"I trust your judgement," Gabby said immediately. "Surprise me."

"Sure, why not?" Max said. "Just don't water it down because I'm human."

"Hey, if you want to get wasted on your first date that's your prerogative," Cherry said with a shrug. 

"Well, I mean, not really..."

"Just trust me," Cherry said, patting his shoulder. "I know what I'm doing."

"Okay." Max shared a worried glance with Gabby when Cherry walked away. "How fast do you think this gossip will spread?"

"With the way news travels in this place? It'll be common knowledge by tomorrow afternoon. But I hope part of the gossip is how good you look in that shirt. It's _really_ flattering." He turned pink, and she bit her lip playfully. "I like seeing you out of uniform. Not that you don't look good in uniform."

"You just think I look good in anything," he said. "Which is a very niche opinion."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure my opinion will get even more niche than that if you give me a chance." His blush darkened a couple of shades, and she giggled. "Sorry. That's too forward of me."

"It's okay," he said. "That's just... it's been a while since anyone wanted to see me out of anything. I'm still half scared this is an elaborate prank."

"Oh, _no_ , this is not a prank." She reached for his hand again, thumb rubbing against the back of his hand back and forth. "I'm really, really serious about my feelings in general and my feelings about you in particular."

"I'm serious about this too," he said, and she smiled at him.

"I know you are. You take feelings seriously too. But your feelings were used as a weapon against you for a long time, so I don't blame you for being wary." Cherry came back with two drinks on a tray, and this time Gabby didn't let go of Max's hand. If everyone was going to find out, they might as well know that she wasn't afraid to be seen holding his hand.

"Here we go... for the lady, a ginger cider cocktail with fresh muddled ginger and a cinnamon-sugar rim," Cherry said, setting the drink down in front of Gabby with a flourish. "And for the gentleman, we have a delightful winter citrus sangria." Max's wine glass was decorated with a slice of blood orange, and there were little bits of fruit floating in the glass.

"Oooh," they both said, shared a glance and a giggle, and then Gabby looked up at Cherry. "Thanks, these look amazing!"

"I'll be soliciting feedback at a later date," Cherry said with a smile. "You're the first people to try these, so be honest, won't you?"

"Of course," Max said. Cherry turned to go and then paused.

"Um, guys..." They both looked over to find one furious-looking Forrester storming toward them. "Good luck," Cherry whispered, and bolted. 

"Oh, _shit_ ," Max sighed. Gabby was frozen, which was the wrong thing to do, because the first thing Kinga did when she got to their table was fix a poisonous glare on their clasped hands. "H-hi Kinga," Max stammered.

"Shut it," Kinga snapped. "What the hell is going on here?"

"Uh, we're um, we're just having dinner..."

"Oh, is that all? Just dinner? Two friends having dinner, huh?" Gabby took her hand back and swallowed a couple of times, trying to find her voice. "Don't even start, 142." Gabby quailed immediately, shrinking into herself protectively. Being called by her number when she was out of uniform was dehumanizing. 

"I'm allowed to have dinner with whoever I want," Max said, clearly scared but also resolute. "Gabby and I have been working together--"

"Is that what they call it these days? Because from what I've heard, work is not what you've been doing together."

"...what have you heard?"

"What have _I_ heard? Well, I know I'm not hearing _everything_ , but I did hear that the two of you spent the party sucking face and you've been mooning around over each other since then," Kinga said venomously. "Apparently you're desperately in love with him," she pointed at Gabby, "and _you're_ giving into dereliction of duty and the rush of being admired," she pointed at Max. They both shrank back into their seats. 

"I'm not derelict," Max said. "I'm doing my entire job just as well as I was two weeks ago."

"Really? Is that what you think? Because I have video footage of you being distracted on camera! During the show, no less!"

"No you don't--"

"I wasn't sure what had happened when I was reviewing the recording, but as soon as I overheard a little gossip I knew exactly what happened. You saw her walk into the room and you lit up like a Christmas tree. I had to tell you to push the button twice."

"That's not--"

"And _look_ at you," Kinga said, dripping with scorn. "All tarted up like it makes a difference. You're still useless no matter what you wear, you know."

"He's _not_ useless." Gabby finally found her voice, and it was firm in Max's defense. "He's so far from useless, he's absolutely vital here and you treat him like garbage." 

"What do you know about it?"

"Look, you obviously don't want him. Why don't you let him try and be happy?"

"Just because I don't want him doesn't mean you can have him," Kinga snapped. "He's _my_ second banana and I _won't_ have him distracted from what's important-- me."

"That's just--"

"Shh! Shut up. I don't want to hear it. And if I catch the two of you _fraternizing_ again, there will be repercussions and they will be severe. Possibly fatally severe." She snapped her fingers and pointed at Max. "You. Come with me. Now."

Max cast a desperate look at Gabby, who didn't have any option but to mouth, _Go_ , but couldn't bring herself to watch him stand up and trudge away after Kinga, so dejected that he barely lifted his feet from the floor. Gabby didn't look up until she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder. She looked up into Cherry's sympathetic face.

"I'm sorry," Cherry said, and Gabby took a deep breath, blinked a couple of times in an attempt to stave them off, and then burst into noisy tears. "Oh, oh jeez. There, there." Cherry awkwardly patted Gabby's back. "Look, it's uh, it's not as bad as it seems--" Gabby sobbed louder, and Cherry winced, picked up a napkin from the table, and pressed it into Gabby's hands. "It'll be okay."

It wouldn't be okay. Gabby was certain that it would not be okay. But when she finished crying, she was going to have both of these drinks, go back to her room, probably cry some more, and then start figuring out what she could possibly do from here.


	4. Date 4: The Satellite of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things aren't looking too good for our star-crossed lovers, until some interventions are made on their behalf by concerned third parties. But even then, the course of true love never did run smooth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I wrote this entire story in 48 hours and I'm not sure what the fuck I'm doing except having fun and finally evicting from my skull some of the information Gabby's been stuffing into it in the past four months.
> 
> If this is half as much fun to read as it was to write, then I did an okay job. I hope it is that fun.

"Come here," Terry said, waving Gabby over after she delivered the report to Kinga. She had been careful to not so much as make eye contact with Max in the process. It had hurt being feet away from him and not acknowledging his presence, but Kinga's ultimatum was too fresh in her mind to risk anything at all.

"Why?"

"Just trust me," he said, rolling his eyes.

"That makes me feel even less good about this."

"Oh, for--" When she got close enough, Terry wrapped his hand around her upper arm and leaned down until their buckets were practically touching. "We're smuggling you and Max upstairs so you can have some alone time."

"You what now?" She realized he was leading her to the tube going up to the Satellite of Love and stopped still. "I can't-- we're not allowed up there! What about Jonah? And the bots? How will we get back down? I don't think this is--"

"Shhhhh," Terry hissed urgently. "Ray and Jonah came up with this plan together, it'll be fine. It's almost foolproof."

" _Almost_?!"

"Shhh!" Terry looked around. Most of the Boneheads on set were putting away their instruments, but over by the button Rickey was talking to Max and gesticulating forcefully. "Look, do you want to spend time with him or not? Cause practically everyone here is rooting for the two of you."

"What, really?" That was dumbfounding. She knew people were talking about them, but not _positively_.

"Yeah. You don't see the dopey look you get on your face when you're with him. And he looks just as dumb about you. Cherry told us what happened on Thursday--" Gabby winced hard. "--and if the only way for the two of you to be happy is to not be on the Moon, then we're getting you off the Moon for a few hours."

"That's... that's really sweet of you," Gabby said, tearing up a bit. Her emotions had been getting the better of her since that last disaster, and it took effort to rein them in. "Kinga's going to rip my spine out if she finds out, though."

"Don't worry about it," Terry said, which did not make her not worry about it. "Here, give me your helmet--" He tugged at the bones and popped it off her head, then gave her a gentle push into the tube. "Have a nice time!" Then he pulled the lever.

"Uh, Jonah?" Gabby staggered when she was dropped onto the bridge of the SOL and came face to face with a spindly golden bot who got way too close to her, beak clicking in her face. "Who's this chick?"

"Gabby!" Jonah pulled her into a hug, partly because he was glad to see her and partly to get her out of the way so Max could be sent up next. "Welcome to the Satellite of Love. This is Crow and this is Tom and this is Gypsum--"

"I know who they are," Gabby said. "You know what my job is, right? Of course I know who they are."

"Guys, this is Gabby. She's one of the Boneheads--"

"Yeah, we can see that," Tom said. 

"--and she's going to hang out up here for a little while, so don't bother her, okay?"

"Why?" Gypsum asked. "Not why can't we bother her, but why is she here?"

"Well, she--" Jonah was interrupted by the tube coming down again and dropping Max. The bots all gasped.

"Why is there a Mad on our satellite?" Tom demanded. "He can't be here. Neither of them can be here."

"But they're both here already," Jonah said. "And they're not leaving for a couple of hours. So don't pester them."

"Hi guys," Max said a little sheepishly. He was still in his containment ceremony whites, slightly singed on the cuffs from last week's misadventure in the kitchen. "I really did not expect this."

"What part of this?" Gabby asked. "The secretly arranged date? The fact that apparently everyone ships us, up to and including him?" She pointed at Jonah, who shrugged.

"You're cute together, what can I say? And everyone says you make each other happy."

"She does make me happy," Max said. "A level of happy I'd given up on."

"Oh, Max..." She leaned up against him and wrapped her arms around his arm. Crow made a gagging sound.

"Ugh, human courtship, gross."

"Excuse you, I'm not human."

"You're half human," Max said, and she blinked at him.

"I'm what now?"

"You're half human. And half Observer."

"Wait a second, that means Ray is more than half human," Jonah said. "That... actually explains a lot."

"What do you mean I'm half human and half Observer," Gabby demanded, curling her hand around the placket of his jacket and shaking him gently. "I'm one hundred percent Bonehead."

"Well, okay, it's really not half and half. It's more like sixty percent Observer, forty percent human, and your specific Bonehead pod was twenty-five percent Forrester DNA on the human side, so--"

"Max. What are you talking about?"

"You knew you were genetically engineered," Max said blankly. "You all knew that."

"Nobody said what we were engineered from!"

"I told you you were created for a purpose!"

"I didn't know you meant I was... _designed_ like that," Gabby said a little desperately. "So what am I aside from Observer and Forrester?"

"Uh...well..." Max blinked a couple of times and leaned slightly back from her. "You're, um... seventy-five percent of forty percent... three tenths? You're sixty percent Observer, ten percent Forrester, and... thirty percent my DNA I guess?" he finished in a rush. Her jaw dropped, and she closed and opened her mouth a couple of times before taking a deep breath and letting go of his jacket.

"Kinga used her DNA and your DNA to make atomic supermen?" Jonah asked in disbelief. "Jeez, no wonder that didn't work out as planned..."

"Awk-ward," Tom sing-songed. Max chewed on his lower lip and stared at Gabby, who had started to pace back and forth, mumbling under her breath to herself.

"I'm sorry, I-- I didn't think this would be such a surprise to you, I--"

"How? How was this not going to be a surprise? What part of this did you expect me to know?" She dug her hands into her own hair and pulled. "This is crazy, Max, this is-- so what am I to you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Thirty percent shared DNA, is that-- like cousins? A niece?"

"You're not related to me," he said, and she rolled her eyes. "It's not like that! You didn't just get-- random bits, you know, you were designed--"

"You said that." She wrapped her arms around herself, staring at him wide-eyed. 

"You got the best parts of me," he said, shrugging helplessly. "Not the dumb, clumsy, hopeless stuff. I'm kind of amazed that thirty percent of me was good enough to use, honestly. Most of the Boneheads got much more Forrester in them. But for your pod, the jobs you would get, we needed... empathy and consideration and emotional intelligence. And most of what makes me a good second banana. And Kinga doesn't really have that to give."

"I got the best parts of you," she repeated slowly, shaking her head. "Is the longing the best part of you too? Are all these feelings I have for you just an echo of how you feel about her?"

"That's not how it works," Max said, desperate and trying so hard to get her to understand. "The fact that you feel so strongly? Yeah, that's my fault. But _what_ you feel? That's all you." He held out a hand to her, hope shining in his eyes. "It's... not the worst thing you could have gotten from me, is it?"

"It's the cornerstone of my personality," she said, "I don't know who I would be without it. But knowing I _owe_ it to you..." She took a couple of steps back, then turned and fled, leaving him with his hand outstretched and his face absolutely crestfallen.

"Ouch," Crow said, absolutely merciless. "Was that a breakup or a disowning?" Max turned his head to stare at the bots, having completely forgotten about their presence, and his gaze was shell-shocked.

"Not now, Crow," Jonah said, looking from Max to the hallway down which Gabby had taken off, not sure which of them needed his presence more. "Max, are you--"

"Go make sure she's okay, please," Max said, clearly on the verge of tears when he spoke. "I'll be fine. She needs someone to talk to."

" _Don't_ harass him," Jonah told the bots, having very little faith that they'd do as he said but leaving them alone anyways. He tracked Gabby to the galley, where she was sitting at the table that Jonah had decked out to the best of his abilities for the date he'd stealth-planned, head buried in her folded arms. "Gabby?" She looked up slowly and he offered her the closest thing to a reassuring smile he could muster. "Hey. Are you going to be okay?"

"No," she said. "Probably not."

"Oh, come on, it can't be _that_ bad a thing to find out."

"Have you ever talked to a Bonehead about how they were created?" she asked. "Aside from Ray. His situation was very non-standard. But just an average everyday Bonehead."

"I can't say I have," Jonah said. 

"I'm going to tell you about it, then. Sit down."

"What kind of a story is this?"

"Science fiction, dash of rom-com meet-cute."

"As long as it's not horror or tragedy." She snorted and shook her head.

"No. Not yet, anyways." He sat across from her, and she straightened up, steepling her fingers in front of her. "I think Ray's the only one of us who's been created on a singular basis. Boneheads are produced in family pods of six. We're all related, but your pod is like your siblings. You look a little more alike, you have little things in common with each other, and you all wake up on the same day. So the day my pod woke up... I was early. Ahead of schedule. Not by long, only an hour or so, but an hour's a long time to float in a vat with nothing to do but think. And then he came in and let me out of the vat."

"Max?" Jonah asked, and she nodded.

"I had so many questions and I tried to ask him all of them at once. I never gave him a chance to answer, of course. And he just... he wrapped a robe around me and smiled and said, 'You're gabby, aren't you?' And... I was. I knew who I was. He'd told me so." Jonah's eyes were wide, and he pressed his fingers to his mouth. "And then he tried to answer my questions while the rest of my pod woke up. I followed him around like a duckling and just kept asking more. He was so patient though. By the time everyone else had woken up, I knew who I was and I knew who he was and that was enough to get started with."

"And that was your first day?"

"No. That was my first three hours. Boneheads go through orientation the day they're born. I was a pretty early creation. Max still wakes everyone up, but the orientation is done by other Boneheads now. But back then, he did that too. So the first thing he did was tell me who I was, and then he told me my place in the universe. And that was my first day."

"Have you loved him since then?" Jonah sounded awed. 

"Yeah. How couldn't I? He's the sweetest person I've ever met. He just happens to also be the first person I ever met." 

"So... why are you so upset to find out that you got his best qualities?"

"Because I'm just as stupid about him as he is about Kinga, and if it's just my... my programming to love like this, then is it even real?"

"Oh... jeez." Jonah propped his head on his hands, leaning forward a little. "Gabby, I don't think you're programmed for infatuation."

"Aren't I? He said I got everything that makes him a good second banana. All the best second bananas were infatuated with their villains."

"I don't think that's accurate..."

"Don't be closed-minded."

"I'm not, I'm just saying--"

"Stop arguing with me," she sighed, and he blinked and changed tactics.

"What's so bad about being in love with him? You make him sound wonderful. At least you didn't fall in love with Kinga too, that would have been awful for everyone involved."

"There wasn't anything wrong with being in love with him until I found out that he's the reason I am the way I am. It's... isn't it narcissistic?"

"Um... No? I don't think so, anyways. You're not a copy of him, or a direct descendant, or anything else that might make this come off as creepy, in my opinion. Weird, yes, but not creepy."

"Weird is par for the course on the moon," she said, and he shrugged, smiling.

"So roll with it. You've taken every other weird thing in stride. I don't think this has to be a disaster for you individually or for the two of you together. If you need time to process it, that makes sense. But he doesn't deserve to be rejected because he told you something true about yourself." She sighed and dropped her head back into her arms.

"Yeah," she said after a moment, lifting her head again. "No, yeah, that's true. He doesn't deserve to be rejected, end of sentence. And this isn't the worst thing I could have found out."

"You could have found out that you're fifty percent Forrester," Jonah pointed out, and her nose wrinkled.

"No I couldn't have. I wouldn't be me if that were the case."

"But you are you," he said. "And who you are is pretty awesome. And I know Max thinks you're pretty awesome too."

"He thinks I'm pretty and awesome," she said, lips quirking up slightly. "I... I shouldn't have run away from him, huh?"

"You could apologize for doing it. I think he'll forgive you."

"I really hope so."

"Want me to go get him? Here is where the two of you were meant to end up anyways."

"Yes, please." He stood up, and she added, "Jonah? ...thanks. I needed to get that off my chest."

"No problem at all," he said, and left the room. Gabby sat up straight and dragged her hands across her face, sighing deeply. She'd never told anyone that story in that depth before-- all of the Boneheads had similar experiences, at least with Max being the first person they'd met, and she felt weird about being so explicit about what he meant to her directly to Max's face. But he deserved that honesty, didn't he? He deserved to know how important he was to her. Especially when Kinga was so determined to reinforce how unimportant she thought he was. 

"Gabby?" Max hesitated in the doorway, half looking like he wanted to bolt. His eyes were still watery-- he'd clearly been crying. She couldn't blame him. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah. Please. Look, it's all set up for our date." Jonah had done a good job on limited time: there was a flickering LED candle in the middle of the table, and a bowl of fresh cut fruit he must have gotten from the hydroponics bay before the experiment started today, along with fancy napkins and what looked like one of Cherry's wines in plastic tumblers. Max smiled slightly as he sat down, but then looked sober.

"I'm sorry," he said. "That was a lot to drop on you. I just... didn't think you'd take it as badly as you did."

"No, I'm sorry," she said, reaching across the table. He placed his hand in hers and his smile made a reappearance. "I shouldn't have flipped out like that."

"I kind of get why you did."

"I don't know if you do."

"Do you... maybe want to tell me why, then?" She studied him in silence for a moment, then nodded.

"I think you should hear it," she said. "But it's weird."

"Everything about everything we do is weird," he pointed out. "But there's nothing wrong with weirdness."

"I know. Just... I want you to understand why I overreacted." She took her hand back, but only to peel off her uniform gloves and tuck them into her vest pockets. He smiled and took his gloves off too, and she took his hand again, more reassured by the skin contact, slight as it was. "Do you remember the day I woke up?"

"I remember a barrage of questions, some of them philosophical and not easily answered," he said, smile widening. "I remember how your hair curled up as it dried while you were following me around."

"Do you remember naming me?"

"I didn't think you'd take it as a name. I was just making an observation. But you lit up when I called you gabby, and then you started telling your podmates that it was what you were called."

"I know you've named a lot of us."

"Almost never intentionally," Max said with a laugh. "Unless I'm directly asked for help. But yeah, I know that lots of Boneheads have taken my suggestions or offhand remarks as names."

"Is that... is that a big deal for you? Knowing you made such a huge mark on any of us?"

"It makes me feel like you guys care about what I have to say," he said thoughtfully. "Some of you more than others."

"Me most of all, I'm assuming."

"That's a reasonable assumption to make." He squeezed her hand gently, and she looked down at their interlaced fingers, trying to put the right words in the right order.

"I've always cared about what you have to say," she said slowly. "I've always cared a _lot_ about what you say. And it made my heart ache when so much of what you said was about Kinga rejecting you when I've been in love with you basically since the first word you said to me." His eyes went wide, and she looked up to meet them, glad all over again that they'd always been at just the right height to look into each other's eyes. "So learning that part of me is you... made me question if my feelings were real, or just like calling to like. And I guess it doesn't really matter even if it is like calling to like. Because I think we suit each other. Maybe this wasn't an intended part of my design, but it's part of who I am. And I like who I am. And I like you. I love you."

For a long moment, he didn't say anything at all. She stared at him, not even breathing, and then all at once he came around the table and wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her unruly curls. She gasped, breathing in his scent and the lingering smell of smoke embedded in his jacket.

"I love you too," he murmured into her hair. "Even though I probably shouldn't. Even though it might be the end of both of us."

"She wouldn't kill you," Gabby said. "She'll probably decommission me when she finds out about this. Which is quite literally my lifelong nightmare fuel. But... to hell with her. Maybe I'll just stay up here forever. Sandwich can take over my job."

"She can't decommission you," Max said, and he pulled back to look at her. "There'd be riots. The Moon would go to hell without you keeping everyone sane enough to function."

"Was that part of my design too?"

"Amateur psychiatry? No. That was all your decision. You might be good at it because of how you were designed, but that wasn't your intent or purpose. You made it your own purpose." He half-smiled. "Maybe you just need to get Kinga on your couch for a session to smooth things over."

"Yeah right, like one session would even make a dent in her issues," Gabby said, rolling her eyes. "Look, forget her for now. The two of us are here, and this is lovely. Let's just enjoy ourselves and not worry about the fallout until later, okay?"

"Okay," he agreed, and she dug a hand into his curls and pulled him close to kiss him, determined to wring every last speck of enjoyment out of this that was possible. They had a couple of hours, at least. That was more than enough time to feed each other strawberries and kiss and cuddle and come up with elaborate and ridiculous pet names for each other. She was sure she could come up with a few more of her own secrets to share with him before they had to go face the music.


End file.
